One thing I promised...

 2016- I was in the darkest place of my life. I had too much pain inside me, and I was paralyzed of fear. I was scared of losing people, the job I had was taking my soul out and I had no one to talk to. I was alone, living in a cold room in the city center of Brasov. 

           At the end of the year, I decided to quit everything. I left my job on the 31st of December, some days after I left the country, quit social media and toxic people and I was gone. I still like to say I was in rehab. 

           It's hard when you have no one to talk with, and when I am saying no one, I mean someone to guide you through this life, someone to give you a piece of advice, someone intelligent enough to understand you. I had no money to go to a specialist. Everything I did was on my own.

I was reading books, listening to motivational speeches on youtube and telling myself I am strong enough to pass through this dark moment. And I was.

         All this time, I was alone. This is how I've become an antisocial, closed person, not being able to speak up what I really think or express my opinion.I've found comfort only in writing. I was putting down the words, only to get rid of feelings. 

           Next year was a bit better, but still, I was fighting with my anxiety. 

          When finally in 2018 I've received the job I was fighting for already  3 years, I was the happiest person ever. Everything seemed to start settling in my life.
Here, I've found new people who were able to guide me and make me feel comfortable with myself.

That was the moment when I grew and put in practice all I've been learning before.

        At the end of September 2018, I found myself jobless, back where I've started. 

But now things were different. I was different. I was a new person, confident about myself,  and not alone anymore. 

Thank God, only two months after, I found a new job and next year, in January  2019 I've started the training. It wasn't the best job, but at least at the end of the month money was coming to me, and I could say I was independent again.

         I moved to France, and after two months of being reckless, I found someone who brought me the interior peace I was not aware I needed. As it was my first experience,  never been in a relationship before, I was confused. I was receiving support and care and it seemed so weird to me, I was the only one taking care of me, now suddenly we were two.

I have no words to describe what all of this meant to me, and I considered myself blessed to have such a thing in my life. Every day I was learning, I didn't know how to behave in this new thing I had. I was scared to lose him, so I was measuring my words before saying something. I didn't know if he intended to stay or to leave. I could not tell him that I didn't know what to do, or how to behave. So, I've tried my best. Most of the time, I wanted his attention, and when I was not receiving it, I was getting mad. Such a child...
     How could I know that I need to give more than attention and that what I am receiving is worthing a lot?
     Now, being far away from him is the most challenging thing for me.  I miss him every day. 

I remember the nights I was praying for these days not to come, but here they are.

When I was in sleeping in his arms, I was telling myself that I don't want to lose him never in this life.  What a childish thought, baby girl. Nothing lasts forever...

    At this moment, I am having a battle inside me, and I'm trying to make peace with myself. I am fighting for me, I am fighting for the woman I am becoming and for the woman I want to become. 

           I am scared. I am really scared. I am NOT depressed, I am NOT sad. I am just scared.

But one thing I promised, I will never let myself down again.